The
door’s locked against me
Or maybe it just sticks
as
if it wants to guard against entry.
Put
some muscle in it and I’m popping the lock
Or the block
Each
piece of furniture
something I took in after others had abandoned it
maybe I can make something of it
Each
piece of furniture
carries its own damage
occupies its own space
Even
the two that match refuse to sit
together
It’s not all about measuring lengths and widths
The
TV stand where something red spilled
a reminder without memory
The
dirty, scarred file cabinet
where I store all the sorrows that took my tears
I’m
empty of tears now
but I can’t have my sorrows staring me in my face
One
day I might fill myself enough to face them again
This
space that should be mine is not my space
Is
it a room or a storage place?
Or a reminder? A cliché?
Of how none of the pieces of me fit
Together
Of
how nothing that is mine is sacred
How
others feel free to carve scars, spill pain on what should be mine
Because
I allow it
Healing gestures
When
they leave they can renew their lives
Exchanging
my gift with reminders
Of
how I don’t fit in here
In
this space that should be mine
The
heat never reaches full potential
And being a hot blooded woman
I need this space to generate full heat
The
blind is broken
A reality with weight for a girl traumatized by
nakedness and open windows
Another story waiting to be told
Meanwhile
The
blind is broken because
When
it was Randy’s room
He
jury rigged the window lock to slip out and in without my knowing
I
had not expected his gratitude
for what I did for him
that was for love
I
was surprised by his anger, his resentment
What
did I do but love?
I
sent him away with all I could afford
a bus ticket and no fond farewell
caring would have cost too much
He
left me questions and a broken blind
More
than the blind was broken
Maybe there’s a reason, after all these years, that
I don’t repair it
so that it can easily close again
The
blind is broken but
I’ve
built a mountain of papers
Making
it hard to find whatever I need
Making
the space useless
But
never again will someone I trusted
Betray
me by stealing what I left where just anybody could see it
If
I can’t find what’s important to me
Neither
can you
This
space is not my space
Not
the refuge I sought
for gathering thoughts
crafting words
This
space is a fort,
a last resort
Where
I might survive the siege
If
I push, I’ll see
The
door’s not really locked
I
just have to put a little muscle into it
